[THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED AT HELIUM.COM]

To begin with I would like to list some names. These are names of which you have probably heard. They may even be called “household names.” Or, you might call them famous people, celebrities, artists, or even genius. Yes, I would call them genius. All of these people have been diagnosed with, and suffered from Bipolar Disorder:

Patty Duke (Actress)
Virginia Woolf (Writer)
Maurice Bernard (Actor)
Rosemary Clooney (Singer)
Robert Downey Jr. (Actor)
Alvin Alley (Dancer, Choreographer)
Ludwig Von Beethoven (Composer)
Francis Ford Coppola (Director)
Vincent Van Gogh (Painter)
Robert Lowell (poet)
Sylvia Plath (poet)
John Berryman (poet)
Winston Churchill (Prime Minister of Great Britain)
Theodore Roosevelt (President of the United States)
John Strugnell (Biblical Scholar)
Darryl Strawberry (Baseball Player)
Edgar Allen Poe (Writer)
Theodore Roethke (Writer)
Mark Twain (Writer)

Now I have to say, quite boldly, I am proud to be listed among these ranks. I too have Bipolar Disorder. I too suffer. When I was first diagnosed, my brother was one of the first people I called on the phone. He has always been a great support to me. I was crying of course, it was all a bit overwhelming. But, one of the first things that flooded out of my mouth was, “Phillip, I’m a genius. It’s official.” Phillip, who has always been quite diplomatic, quite the encourager by nature, responded, “Well yes, I do think you are a genius.” I think he was just trying to placate me. But, this was a comfort to me; to say on one hand “I have a chronic disease,” but to be able to say on the other hand, “I am in very good company.”

Yes there are times that I want to go screaming into the night. I think to myself, I lived quite well for 29 years without therapy or medication – why the hell do I need it now? I was afraid that my first Psychiatrist was trying to mess with my brain. I told him, “but this is my personality.” Sometimes a person’s personality is all they have. I was desperate to not let anyone take it away from me. It was the wall I had hidden behind for 29 years. “I am an artist. I am touched perhaps. But, aren’t I just darned cute?”

The first time I was hospitalized I was really paranoid that all the people watching me (social workers, nurses, techs, doctors, therapists, interns, students) were going to discover that I was “the most insane person ever,” and then they were going to want to write an article about me. You may call that a bit narcissistic, or even grandiose. But hey, I’ve been acting since I was 12. I’m used to people looking at me, and hey, what actress doesn’t want to be the next “great” thing. Needless to say I was never asked to sign any waivers, and they did let me go after a few days. I guess I wasn’t so interesting after all.

But I’m still a member of a great list. I find solace in that!

In 2002, after a life long battle with an unseen menacing authority over my ability to function like other people, my then wife insisted that I seek professional help. The appointment with my general practitioner was one of the most mixed emotion doctor’s visits I had ever had. 2002 was the year I was diagnosed with bipolar. What followed was a misconception on my part, my wife’s part, and just about everyone that I knew, that by taking a pill my brain would level out and everything would finally be normal. What wasn’t known in my circle of community, and what turned out to be society in general, was that bipolar is a disease much like diabetes in the sense that at times, even with adherence to treatment, the disease still runs amok. This resulted in a lot of devastation in my life such as divorce and alienation from my children. As the years have gone by, I have come to understand that this type of devastation is not exclusive to my life and in fact affects millions of lives in the same way across this country. If only people understood that reclassification of bipolar disorder as a disease becomes increasingly necessary after examining the physical ramifications of this illness fewer people would have to suffer the same fate.

One of the most common statements in regard to mental illness, and is commonly in jest, is that “it is all in your head.” In the case of bipolar the statement is surprising true, though not in the way one might think. In 2000, a researcher with the National Japanese Research Institute by the name of Kato Tadafumi concluded that bipolar could be linked to mitochondrial breakdown in the Hippocampus region of the brain. Illustration 1a (Best, 1990) identifies the location of the Hippocampus and how mitochondria cells exist within the cells that make up the Hippocampus.

The primary function of mitochondria is to convert sugars into ATP which is used as an energy source for the cell that mitochondria exist within. Mitochondria are found throughout the body and could be viewed as the energy factories that keep our various bodily systems functioning.
What was so profound about Tadafumi’s discovery was the impact it had on opening the doors to researching bipolar as a true disease and not simply a mal-adjustment to coping with the various stresses of life. In many respects the Hippocampus could be viewed as a type of hub of brain activity with various functions beyond simply mood being impacted by its activity. Motor skills, immune systems, and releases of various chemicals not only within the area of the brain but throughout the body can all be attributed to the Hippocampus.

The understanding that mitochondria were breaking down within this region of the brain, which would have impact on how the Hippocampus functioned, began to steer studies in the direction of looking at the potential impact of this disease not only on mood but on the body as a whole.

However, Tadafumi’s original study results in and of themselves were not viewed as conclusive in there implication that bipolar is in fact a mitochondrial disease. Even today, nearly a decade later, a methodical process of study not only by Tadafumi, but by an array of various researchers and study groups designed to put to the test Tadafumi’s original findings continues. By looking at a sampling of what has been discovered, one can get a better understanding of not only the indications of bipolar being a disease, but how broad of an effect it has on the sufferer beyond simply mood changes. In addition, it becomes apparent how close to a conclusion this process is.

In a Science News article (Saey, 2008) a study by Hemmo Drexhage, which was inspired by the realization that sufferers of bipolar were three time as more likely to develop autoimmune thyroid disease, looked at the possibility of using monocytes (a white blood cell) as a possible indicator of bipolar. As the article points out, monocytes are always active and have an effect on several genes in people with bipolar. These effects often lead to inflammatory illness like autoimmune thyroid disease and some data suggests even type 1 diabetes. The study was conducted to see if testing for elevated monocytes could be an indication of bipolar prior to the onset of symptoms. Drexhage addresses the question of why monocytes could be a possible indicator by saying of bipolar “It’s not just a disease of the brain, it effects the entire system.” The findings showed among other things that activity levels of 19 genes were altered in people with bipolar. This gene signature was found in 55% of people studied with bipolar, and in only 18% of people without the illness.

Another study conducted by Ortiz et al (2007) examined the possibility of variations in immunity levels in people with bipolar between manic and depressed episodes. Their study focused on measuring the serum levels of cytokine to see if there was a difference between manic and depressed phases of bipolar. The study concluded that there was in fact a marked difference in the serum levels between these two phases. The implication is that not only is mood affected by shifts caused by bipolar, but the ability to fight off infections is as well.

What both of these studies point out, all be it subtly, is that there are genetic factors at play. Bipolar has an effect on the genetic expressions of many systems within the body which causes a wide variety of consequences beyond the now lacking description of bipolar being elevated highs with a type of euphoric superman kind of thinking followed by terrible lows that often lead to suicidal thoughts. A study done by German researchers and covered in a 2008 article in Medical News Today, found that gene expressions found in depressed states of bipolar lead to the release of chemicals similar to that found in animals going into hibernation. Another study examined rates of co-occurring illness in bipolar sufferers and found that in nearly every form of illness, less cancer, sufferers of bipolar had a higher rate of occurrence than non-sufferers. So motivating are the findings of these and many other studies that continue to show that bipolar is a disease that affects mood as well as physical health with the same relentless yo-yo style ups and downs that a movement has begun to take place within the medical field to reclassify bipolar from a disorder to a disease.

In a well argued editorial found in the Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience (Young, 2007) a case is made that the evidence which keeps being produced by the various studies oriented around bipolar leads to a single conclusion which is that of bipolar quite likely being a “metabolic disease”. The editorial is packed with supporting studies and evidence, and very systematically draws correlations between each them. It is a culmination of viewing the many aspects of today’s research around bipolar and being able to connect the dots of what it all means. Should bipolar be classified as a disease? All the evidence viewed by this paper and many others points to yes. But is that the whole picture?

At the opening of this paper it was proposed that if more people understood that bipolar was in fact a disease it would help reduce the amount of tragedy often associated with it. The science behind the disease is only a part of the picture that needs to be painted in order for there to be a true understanding and thereby a new sense of humanity associated with bipolar. The fact is, despite the influence of solid science and detailed research there is a human element that more closely regulates our daily lives.

Statistics of near 80% divorce rates, elevated rates of job loss, homelessness, alcoholism, and incarceration all represent the more human element behind the science. We are made of cells, chemical processes, electrical impulses, and DNA all interacting to comprise a walking talking human being. But what makes up the part that feels, loves, laughs, and is able to connect with others on those same levels? Is science’s explanation of the internal malfunctioning mechanisms enough to evoke changes in the way one views bipolar?

The simple truth is that most people’s views of bipolar are not predominately shaped by the science associated with it. Instead, views are formed around the experiences they themselves and others have had through interacting with sufferers. This is not to say the science is irrelevant. Understanding the science is a very important step in learning a new perspective but it is just a step. The role it plays is one of encouragement to forgive. When a person is slowing ones progress up the stairs because they are on crutches there is a deeper understanding afforded them. When a person with diabetes is picky about what they eat, it is an accepted part of what they must do to live. It is the science behind bipolar which helps us to associate the same understanding and acceptance with sufferers of this disease.

Applying the science to the human element seems to be the challenging part for many people. In many ways it is understandable. Watching loved ones trying to endure a depression where everything seems to come to a standstill and nothing matters anymore. The feeling of helpless as they do not eat, bath, or hardly get off the couch becomes nearly unbearable and seems to consume ones thoughts. A person can find themselves not wanting to come home to that spouse or call that friend while at the same time fearing that a suicidal thought may penetrate to deep resulting in the loss of that person.

The path of bipolar can lead to watching your loved one in a state of continual thought, a frantic expression of ideas and goals. Trying to keep up can be exhausting as the sufferers relentlessly expounds on one idea after another needing little to no sleep. They spend money they do not have despite your warnings, all the while you know that when the dark days come again it will be an added source of grief for them. It is easy to again find yourself wanting to distance yourself from that loved one but again with an element of fear. It is a fear that their reckless behavior will get them into serious trouble if you are not there to help keep them out of it.

Has science changed these aspects of bipolar? In some ways it has. Many medications have been developed to help reduce the severity of the symptoms associated with bipolar. What is not often talked about is how long it can take before a person finds a medication that works well for them, or some of the side effects and how they can leave a person just a shell of who they were. Another thing not often talked about is that medications rarely eliminate the symptoms all together and there are still challenges that have to be faced in living with bipolar.

But living with bipolar does not have to be all up or down, there are benefits to be had for those willing to look for them. They are all the same benefits a person would find in a relationship of value with any other person but with one difference, just as bipolar amplifies the highs and the lows, it amplifies the things that can make for a great relationship. Passion, empathy, understanding, concern, are just a few. Unfortunately they are often lost among the challenges. That is where science comes in.

Science gives us a reason to hope. It gives us hope that one day there might be a cure or at least a better treatment to help make things more manageable. It gives us hope that the person we love is still in there and that they will come back. It is a hope born of the understanding that this person who has challenged us, or even hurt us is in fact suffering themselves and would change it if they could. For the sufferer, it gives them hope that they are or can be that person they desire. That the hurt they may sometimes inflict is not on purpose and maybe the one they hurt will understand.

Having viewed the science behind this disease and understanding the human element and how the two interact, your view of bipolar has most likely shifted. Consider that much of the evidence presented within this paper is the result of a single discovery by researcher Kato Tadafumi. Also, consider that similar discoveries have not yet been made for other mental illnesses like schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder but could be. When combining that with the human element, what affect will this have on your view of mental illness? Will you find yourself viewing sufferers in a new light? The challenge to you is to view all mental illness in the same light as physical illnesses and discover for yourself the affect it has in your life. Remember, it is estimated that 1 in 4 individuals will suffer from a diagnosable mental illness within their lifetime. The odds are that you will know at least one of those individuals and it could be your brother, best friend, spouse, or even you.

References:
Best, B. (1990) Learning, Memory and Plasticity, p 5. Retrieved October 23, 2008 from
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.benbest.com/science/anatmind/
FigIII25.gif&imgrefurl=http://www.benbest.com/science/anatmind/anatmd3.html&h=
389&w=503&sz=5&tbnid=k5hV6lDZ5HgJ::&tbnh=101&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%
3Dhippocampus%2Bdiagram&hl=en&usg=__5EU5EnKbn3NGHvtkCByOOjleuMs=&sa=
X&oi=image_result&resnum=4&ct=image&cd=1
Medical News Today. (2008). Health News. Retrieved October 20, 2008, from
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/121472.php
Ortiz-Domínguez, A., Hernández, M., Berlanga, C., Gutiérrez-Mora, D., Moreno, J., Heinze, G.,
et al. (2007, September). Immune variations in bipolar disorder: phasic differences. Bipolar
Disorders, 9(6), 596-602. Retrieved November 5, 2008, doi:10.1111/j.1399-
5618.2007.00493.x
Saey, T. (2008, April 12). Body and Brain. Science News, 173(15), 228-229. Retrieved
November 5, 2008, from MasterFILE Premier database.
Young, L. (2007, May). Is bipolar disorder a mitochondrial disease?. Journal of Psychiatry &
Neuroscience, 32(3), 160-161. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from CINAHL Plus with Full
Text database.

A Morning Walk

It’s a beautiful Sunday morning in Belmont, NC. As my husband and I went for a walk, I was reminded again of how good God is. It’s amazing, we for sure don’t deserve it, but yet, He for sure does love us!

We are a broken people with brains that ache and race to fast. We make mistakes, we trip and we fall flat on our faces, and yet He is always there with a smile and a hug to say, “You are mine, I love you.”

Does this mean that we should just keep screwing up willy nilly? Well, no. Paul talks about that in his letters in the New Testament. In Romans I believe, though Paul did have a habit of repeating himself, so he probably said it in other places as well. Every day is a fresh start to try again, and today I am thankful.

I am Thankful for my God, my husband, my daughter, my family and this day. I am thankful for work and hope. I am thankful for a community of people who are not perfect. Maybe one day I will quit trying so hard to be perfect, and accept that on this side of eternity it WILL NOT HAPPEN.

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The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

Yesterday WAS a wonderful day. It was full of learning, joy, truth, hope, love and friendship. I experienced a community, and I played with my daughter. We laughed and cried and danced.

Yesterday also brought with it fear, pain, terror, doctors and lots of medicine. The doctors gave me a shot of Adovan. And then they gave me a dissolving 10 mg tab of Zyprexa. They then, sent in lots of doctors and hospital personnel to assess the situation. They drew my blood, lots of it. For some reason I cried during the last vile of blood (pain/fear), and said; “OAHH, your taking my life blood away from me!”

My husband, friends and family took good care of me. Even more importantly, one of my good friends from college kept my beloved daughter overnight.

I was reminded that when My God is ready to take me home, glory will fill my eternity. Until then, I know Jesus loves me, and provides for my needs. I will WAIT on Him, and hope for a peace; a respite from the extreme symptoms of my Bipolar 1 disorder.

One day we will fly away! And for those of us who have chosen to believe it, we will go home to glory at the end of this life. Once we know that Jesus shed his life blood on the cross, in order to pay our sin debt; we will spend our days in the many mansions that he has prepared for us.

Here’s some visual encouragement for your *FRIDAY*:

DISCLAIMER

This blog is in no way meant to glamorize domestic violence. Nor is it meant as a bitch session. This IS advocacy at it’s very grittiest! We’re getting down and dirty!

And of course, we are all a bunch of artists, who love to pitch fits. We loves us some drama. Everyone, even the quite sane, needs to find a voice to express himself, after all.

And, I love me some bubblegum. Yep, “That’s what I sed!” (with the Cheshire grin of a 4 year old). I told my sister friend, Michelle; “Yep, that bubble gum’s good. I love me some Britney, Taylor and Kelly to the Clarkson too.

THE TRUTH

Sometimes the truth hurts. But, the Lord said, in the Gospel of John, that we will know the truth, and “the truth will set you free.”

From experience I can say, “I know why the caged bird sings.” (With apologies to Ms. Angelou). I came to full understanding of this the first time I was locked on the seventh floor (aka The Psychiatric Ward). All I could do was sing. Singing was a chance to revert to my theatrical training, and just BREATH my way through a panic attack. And with this opportunity, I reclaimed, for just a moment, the childlike version of JOY! Or, as one of my friends from the Estrogen Castle called it: “Recess Rush.”

In college I discovered Tracy Chapman. At that point, though I had already been date raped, I had no exposure at all to domestic violence. I had a happy childhood.

But, when I heard this song for the first time, my blood boiled within my arms and gut! I knew that I had absolutely no tolerance for these acts.

Sometimes I think there should be a special level of hell for pedophiles, rapists and those who perpetrate domestic violence. But, then I remember that Hell was not made for us human folks. It was made for Lucifer and his angels. We were all created in the image of God, and God is not willing that any should perish.

THE MAJESTY OF ART

Over the years I have found art to be a very beautiful escape. My college professor, Dr. Fuller, was the first to expose me to the GREAT Toni Morrison. I will always admire both women. They can do something with words that I will never be able to do. Their craft is quite illusive. Their words are magic.

Here is a link to an article published by the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/books/review/Gates-t.html?ref=review

I hope you will read it. And, I hope you will tell us what you think. Thinking is after all quite cool. Just like bubblegum.

Vincent Van Gogh

This will, no doubt, be shocking to some, and old hat to others. I have no qualms about publishing this on the internet. This is my story, and I’m not ashamed of it in any way. I’m coming out on the other side, so to speak, and now there are confessions and reparations and apologies to make.

There is no defending my actions, there is only the telling, and the plea for understanding.

So.

From sixteen until my pregnancy, and then after I broke my ankle, for about a year, I was a sublimating machine, trapped in a cycle of drug abuse, denial, anger, and pain. I visited the hell that is opiate addiction. At one point, in my late twenties, I took whatever was placed within my reach. I was running away, escaping, dying. I was suppressing a laundry list of multiple traumas.

Included on that list: an absentee father, who, when he was around, was verbally and emotionally abusive; the childhood sexual abuse from a family member long-deceased, teenage date-rape, a physically abusive boyfriend who broke my teeth in high school, and the death of a vibrant young woman in a freak car accident a week before I got my driver’s license. That woman was my first cousin, but as a single child, she was the closest thing I had ever had to a sister. She would be devastated by what my life has been like, and for her memory, and the amazing child I have been blessed with, I persevere. I attempt amends. I make sincere apologies.

The series of misadventures and outright tragedies in my teens and twenties that occurred is so long that I could not begin to catalog it all. Add onto that the diagnosis of a chronic illness at 25, after which I was told I could not have children, and we’ll let it suffice it to say that I became a master at numbing myself toward pain. So much so that I disregarded the feelings of pretty much anyone and everyone in my path, for years and years and years and years.

I have learned that this is pretty textbook for people with my history, but that does not excuse my behavior, nor does a mere apology heal any wounds. My story is in no way as bad as many out there, but it is my story, and I own it. My choice is to try and make amends, and if I cannot, to at least lead a better life and support advocacy for rape and abuse survivors, so that they do not have to feel alone— so alone that they turn down the path I was once traveling.

Now that I have been sober for months, save the occasional drinks (and I do mean occasional, and yes, I am aware that I may not be able to *be* an occasional drinker— it’s a process–) I have been experiencing over half-a-lifetime’s worth of post-traumatic stress. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes I am triggered by an online article about internet predators, sometimes I get triggered by my father, sometimes I get triggered for no bloody reason at all. But I get triggered, in some way, almost every day. I am hopeful that it will get better, but I have no guarantees.

I told my friend David last night that I need a shoulder because I no longer have my crutches.

I am on my way to being a better person, mother and friend. I have an incredible professional support system, and an even more incredible personal one. There are people who think I am a waste of breath, and then there are the beautiful, patient, supportive, outstanding human beings who have held me up and loved me when I didn’t love myself.

I’m writing this as much for me as for them. I can’t ever tell you what you mean to me.

For everyone else, I write this to increase awareness. PTSD is a terrifying and harrowing ordeal, and I am just one of millions carrying it around.

I remember a conversation with Olivia in college where we were wondering, after looking at all of the abuse survivors we knew, how we were ever going to stop it all. Societal reform? Education? Awareness?

I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I can begin with this:
I am Michelle. I am a rape and abuse survivor, a recovering addict, a damn good mother, and a loyal friend. I am working daily on becoming the person I was meant to be. I need help and support from those willing to give it, and I will give it in return, in abundance.

I am sorry for my past. I can finally say that now. I mean it. I hope to see you in my future.

Belmont Is In Bloom

North Cackalacky

North Cackalacky

I was strolling today with my daughter. We walked downtown, before Praise Kids, so Mommy could get a Smoothie. I fell in love with my town! Theese Cherry Blossoms renewed my love for spring, and brought my blood to a boil.

Blossoms in North Carolina

Blossoms in North Carolina

I would say whether you are in North Carolina, Tokyo or Washington, DC; a sure cure for minor depression is SPRING!!!

Stormy

Stormy

Or, so my father says. I suppose I could choose to believe him, as our brains are so very similar.

You see, we are cursed with a gene. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder, which means I am a rapid cycling manic depressive. He is very high functioning, and has no diagnosis…but his father, my late grandfather, who I never knew, was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in the 50’s. They do say these mental illnesses are genetic. And, my dad tells me he is getting sicker. I know this is a cry for help.

Do you remember in High School when we used to do exercises to better understand ourselves, values and personalities. Well, there was one I remember doing during Youth Group at First Baptist Church, in Sanford, NC. I believe our leader’s name was Sandy. She had us make a list of words that define us. For example: girl, high school student, christian etc. Her goal was to see what we put first, to see how we really defined ourselves.

Because, you could of course say: fat, ugly, stupid and funny. Or whatever. The words that we chose summed up our values, personality and self esteem.

Now I’m 32, and well beyond those high school years. But, I still think this exercise could be valuable. So, here goes.

 My Top 10 List: Who Am I?

1. Christian
2. Woman
3. Wife
4. Mommy
5. Friend
6. Belly Laugher
7. Writer
8. Artist
9. Actor
10. Broken/Perpetually Sick

But, like my brother, the diplomat, says; “Well, Jesus loves you and we love you.”

Perhaps this love could be enough to fight the good fight of life.

Hello world!

Brace yourselves because my sister is embarking on a blog that will compel you to take a deeper look at mental health.  We are proud of you Caroline, and have known for a long time that your mind is majestic.  To God be the Glory.